CBML: Cheese-Based Markup Language

February 21, 2005

It has come to my attention that there is a dire need for a new markup language. Unlike previous Web markup languages such as HTML, this one have these unique and valuable features:
  1. It would be human-readable
  2. It would be compatible with current HTML-based browsers
  3. It would be entirely cheese-based, facilitating easy cheese markup
  4. It would usher in a whole new internet technology incorporating the "mold bit"
My proposal is clearly a perfect fit: CBML: Cheese-Based Markup Language!

(This is not to be confused with Case Based Markup Language, a language which "attempts to mark up cases in XML to enable distributed computing." or Corporate Business Modelling Language, which "enables different business areas to define information form their own perspective." Sounds useful and fun, right? No, in fact, it's such an unabashed attempt at mind control it's simply insulting. They might as well have called it SMACKeL: Squid Mind Alter/Control/Kill Language.)

Read on.

A Simple Guide To The Spec

Step 1. The Cheddarnet

Okay, so obviously the end goal here is to create another Internet. No, not the fascist hive, Internet2. No, not AOL. I'm talking about The Cheddarnet! Only a truly separate and autonomous network could fully support the "mold bit" down to the router level.

Of course, Cheddarnet will be a long time in the making. A network like that takes cask cave aging. But once it does, you can bet your ass the open source community will pounce upon it and create a browser called Mozzarella.

Microsoft will follow suit with Cheddarnet Explorer. At first, it will not adhere to the standards of the "mold bit". In time, Microsoft will regret this error and Cheddarnet Explorer 2.1 will add full support for the "mold bit".

Step 2. The Markup Language

But wait, let's back up a bit! After all, this proposal is for a new language, not a new network, right? Right. It's vital that we plan Cheddarnet, but we need a common language now to act as a bridge to the 'net of the future. Yeah.

CBML is the bridge to the future. By adding CBML tags to your existing inferior HTML web pages, you can make them future-proof. That's right, CBML co-exists peacefully with the existing HTML standard.

HTML was designed well in one respect: all browsers must ignore tags they do not understand. This allows future additions to the language to be gracefully added without causing browsers to explode. This means that you can start adding CBML to your web pages now without any risk whatsoever. Give some of these a try and see if it doesn't just start to make a whole lot of sense:

<meta http-equiv="mold" value="1"/>

This adds basic level support of the "mold bit" to your HTML documents. Eventually, this will become obsolete as the "mold bit" becomes integrated with the browser...and eventually the operating system itself.

<gouda><body>...</body></gouda>

This indicates that you will be using Good Style1 in your document.

<colby>...</colby>

Indicates that content is made of cow's milk and washed curd.

<goat><input type="text" /></goat>

Has the effect of making the text form field accept any type of input including image files, double-clicks, triple-clicks, strange UTF-31 characters, you name it. Must be parsed by PHPGoat on the receiving server.

<brie />

This tag is excellent at room temperature when served with forms, tables, or lists.

<stilton>...</stilton>

If the "mold bit" is set by either the client or the server, the content enclosed by this tag will be highlighted in blue.

<provolone>...</provolone>

Most often used for sandwiching layers of content, this is a general purpose tag and can be used in nearly any mixture of data.


<leerdammer>...</leerdammer>

Indicates to the browser that the enclosed text may contain strange Dutch characters.

<gloucester><img .../></gloucester>

Makes any image tag creamier.

1It's just random chance that "good" and "gouda" sound alike. But it's easy to remember, isn't it? "Good Style" refers to the technical term, not general "good style".

Step 3. The "Mold Bit"

Once all of the ground work is in place, the "mold bit" can finally take center stage. Its purpose and usefulness hardly needs any explanation. It's pretty obvious how revolutionary having the "mold bit" could be. It would clearly make all transactions error-free, encrypted, safe, signed, secure, and best of all--extremely easy to program! Keep your fingers crossed and hope CBML takes hold soon!